you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
They have beer where we have blood.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
