You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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