I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
