The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
