I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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