Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
