Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
