I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
