I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i think i just lost a toe
Drunk is a universal language darling
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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