He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
