this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
