ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
