Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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