My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
