i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
