well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
