Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
