oh god the rape fog is back!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
