tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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