so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
