he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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