I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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