What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
