No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
