I think I am morally bankrupt
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
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I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Come on in and take your pants off
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