i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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