I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
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I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
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Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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