that's an acceptable place to lick
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
