We got so high we made milksteak
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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