So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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