dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
