I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
