I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
God, I missed his penis.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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