I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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