i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
honey bunches of taint.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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