Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
