That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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