i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Enjoy the penises
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
its liver damage thursday
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
