I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This is my gift to your gina
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize