...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
