I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
