woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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