i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
