weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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