Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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