Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
