Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
