my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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