I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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