this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
