So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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