i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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