I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
